So here's the thing, Twilight. You know I'm a sucker for you. I fell in hardcore lust when I first read you, and I fall over and over again when I see a new movie trailer. For me, you're that one relationship I can never really get over, even though I know you're bad for me. Even though "you and me" doesn't make sense. Even though you do things that really piss me off.
Like, for instance, repeating yourself over and over, like I didn't hear you the first time. Or using purple prose like it's going out of style. Or, even worse, watering down my idea of a vampire.
You see, Twilight, you made me forget how scary vampires can be, how unpredictable and thrilling. Yes, they're all beautiful. I get that. We all get that. But vampires are so much more than eye candy. Throw one vampire into the mix, and you have created conflict, tension, suspense, heartache. Throw a second vampire in, who just happens to be the super hot, bad boy brother of the super hot, good-boy-with-a-bad-past vamp, and you've got my new favorite guilty pleasure.
You see, Twilight, I've always liked vampires. But, more than that, I love that edge-of-my-seat rush I get when a show I think will be predictable pulls a 90-degree turn on me. And that's just what the Vampire Diaries has done.
Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. The Vampire Diaries was super corny when we first met, too. Like almost nerd-in-suspenders corny. (Not to mention that its "VD" abbreviation is kind of icky ...) But I've had a soft spot in my heart for the Vampire Diaries ever since I read the books in the 90s, and, I have to say, I'm falling in love all over again.
You see, Twilight, you're that guy with the stare so intense that your liquid topaz eyes turn me into gravy every time I see you (no matter how much it pisses me off), but the Vampire Diaries is the friend that became something more--the relationship that comforts me and surprises me all at once, that has become something so good that I learned, early on, to stick with it through the rough patches, because I know this love is real.
(Or maybe the guys are just so damn hot that I can't see straight? You be the judge.)
I'm sorry, Twilight. I really am. It's not you, it's me. I just need some time alone, some space. We can still be friends, if you want. And I promise we'll hang out again soon. (It's not like the Vampire Diaries and I are exclusive, or anything ...) As a matter of fact, I have an open spot on my calendar November 20.
Now, come on, Twilight. Don't be like that. You know very well the Vampire Diaries didn't "steal your flava." The Vampire Diaries is old enough to be your dad, or at least your cool older brother. With fangs. And it's never good to piss off someone with fangs. Of course, you wouldn't know anything about that, now would you?