Wednesday, June 10, 2009

What the hey. I'll WIPpet with the rest of them. :)

Okay, so ... I'm only 10k or so (give or take a k) into my newest WIP, so this is probably a bit premature. But ... I'm gonna post it anyway. Why? Because my MC is a male, and he wants to make sure I'm getting his voice right. He says I can't post chapter 1, though, because he doesn't want that info out of the bag just yet.

So, here's 200'ish words from Chapter 2. Any feedback (yep, even if you hate it) would be great.

Chapter 2

I know guys aren’t supposed to care about this kind of stuff, but orange really isn’t my color. I look like a pumpkin, my pale skin glowing in the dark, my cheeks hollowed out from missing seven straight meals.

Bracelets don’t suit me, either. At least not the unbreakable metal variety.

“No issue with probable cause, sir,” some frump in a suit says.

No issue? Geez, way to bend over and take it. I hope my guy is better than this one.

The grim reaper narrows his brow, beady eyes stern as he glares at the twelve-year-old prepubescent who spray-painted the high school gymnasium with half naked men. (Guess which half?) I was impressed. Thought he deserved a round of applause and a moment to take a bow. The court? Not so much.

“Twenty-one days in a secured detention center,” the reaper says, his voice spitting gravel. He glares at the half-chewed pencil on legs. “What do you have planned for your life, kid?”

Kid shrugs. Mumbles something about how he doesn’t know, hasn’t thought about it. Which is a bunch of shit, really, because I’ve seen the graffiti. I’ve seen the property he made palatable but is now accused of defacing.

Justice sucks.

“State versus Cleary,” says a woman with shoulder pads almost as big as her hair.

The rent-a-cops puff out their green polyester chests and close in on me.

5 comments:

Jamie D. said...

Thanks for sharing with us. :-)

I think it's very descriptive - maybe a little too "flowery" (I know, not the correct term here with such a somber scene).

As for the voice though, I get the feeling that the narrator is a rebellious older juvenile who puts on a good show, but is insecure and scared.

Is that what you were going for, as far as voice is concerned?

jessjordan said...

Jamie,

Thanks for the feedback! I definitely get what you're saying about the "flowery" bit--my first drafts tend to be a little overkill with that kind of stuff :) (And I don't think the term "flowery" is incorrect here, b/c, while it may be a somber scene, it's a relief after the mess he got himself into in chapter 1.)

As for the voice: he is, indeed, a rebellious older juvenile. He doesn't take the justice process all that seriously, because he's been through it so frequently (probation violations). He's not good at forming relationships b/c he's been dumped around from home to home (foster kid since he was younger).

Is he scared and insecure? Seeing as how (a) he spent chapter 1 getting shot at by a bunch of scary hunters, (b) he has no idea who they are, and (c) he's worried the bullet took away his best defense, I'd say, "Yes." :)

So you pretty much nailed him.

Thanks again!

Weronika said...

Jess, I actually really liked this the way it is, and I definitely hear the voice--it'll stay with me for a while.

I usually don't have much time to follow the blogs of fellow writers (just a few agents here and there, most of the time...), you've snagged my interest. I'll be back!

Lisa and Laura said...

Nice work, Jess! Can't wait to read more!

jessjordan said...

Weronika: Thank you for your feedback! So glad to hear that I've snagged your interest. Now, the pressure of follow through!

Lisa and Laura: Thanks! Maybe this WIPpet Wednesday will keep me going :)