Let me preface this by saying that I really took everyone's comments from Query 1.0 to heart. So if you read this and think, "Wow, that girl didn't listen to anything I said!", you'll know that I just have issues. (Let's hope that's not the case!)
I'm just going to post the pitch and the query, since I haven't made any changes to my opening yet (still in first draft mode).
So here goes!
Dear Mr. or Ms. AGENT:
Drew Cleary knows immortality spells are forbidden, but he figures the rules don’t apply when no one knows you’re a witch. What he doesn’t realize is that showing off his new ability with a knife trick at a high school party is a quick way to end the night with a hexed bullet in his chest.
Thanks to another probation violation, the suddenly not-so-immortal Drew is sent to a school for at-risk teens, his last stop before jail. The adjustment to a new town, a new school, and yet another foster home would be easier if Drew didn’t have to deal with a bunkmate from hell, a crush on a girl who knows just how to make him crazy, and a message from a guy claiming to be Drew’s father.
Apparently, Drew’s in danger, and he has to make a choice: trust the man who went out for ice cream ten years ago and never came back, or turn to the girl who seems to know more about Drew than she’s letting on. The choice Drew makes may cost him his power, his heart, and, ultimately, his life.
Completed at approximately ___________ words, [insert title] is available upon request. I have attended several Amherst Writers and Artists (AWA) workshops, and I maintain a blog at http://jess-jordan.blogspot.com. I am currently working on another young adult manuscript.
* After LiLa's very wise words, I made a couple of small revisions--namely, removing a reference to this being my first manuscript, and removing specific names mentioned in paragraph 2. I include this here in case anyone reads LiLa's comment and thinks ... "Huh? What are they talking about?"
When Drew Cleary messes around with magic that he shouldn’t have, he ends the night with a bullet in his chest, violates his probation, and gets shipped off to a school for at-risk teens. As a foster kid Drew’s used to change, but that doesn’t prepare him for a bunkmate from hell, a crush on a girl who knows just how to make him crazy, and a message from a guy claiming to be his father. Apparently, Drew’s in danger, and he has to make a choice: trust the guy who abandoned him ten years ago, or turn to the girl who seems to know more than she’s letting on. The wrong decision could cost him his power, his heart, and, ultimately, his life.